On the edge of my seat.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Actually, that's a lie. I do know what I want to do. I just want to love on people. I want to have craft days with people,start book clubs, and have tons and tons of tea parties.I sound like an old women, geez. And while I am doing these things, I want laughter to fill the rooms, I want smiles on our faces, and I want the love of Christ to be undeniably present. That's what I want.

Most days I wish I could get a degree for loving on people. For this degree, you would take classes and learn how to be selfless, how to speak to people using their love languages, and how to get to know the hearts of people. If only.

Currently, my major is Social Work. I recently switched from Education. I am not sure I am done adding to my major, there may be one final thing to do until I am at peace. Please don't ask me what I want to do with my major, because like I said before, I have no idea what I am doing with my life.i have no five year plan. And to be honest, I am more comfortable with that thought everyday. It's beautiful to be in the place of the unknown. It leaves me looking to God for guidance and leading. It fosters reliance of God, a life in the Spirit, and a season of growth. At first, the thought is terrifying. But when I really think about, I am overwhelmed by peace. If I knew where I was going, I'd surely mess it up, I would probably try to tweak it and change it, and in the end, it would be disastrous. God leads as he sees fit, and most days I am thankful that I do not know. Let's be honest, if I did know it wouldn't be any fun. I'd feel like I do when I know the ending to a movie I've been dying to see, or the feeling I get when I ruin a book for myself and read the last chapter first. The stories are never interesting when you know what is to come. The interesting ones are those that leave you on the edge of your seat, waiting in anticipation for the unknown to become the reality. That's how I want my life to be. I want to always be on the edge of my seat, waiting with joy to see where God leads me next.

For the rare occasion that I do desire to know what's coming next, that I wish I could fast forward a few scenes ahead, or to skip a few chapters, I remind myself of Abram. We read about this in the first few verses of Genesis 12. you should go ahead and read all of Abram's (who later becomes Abraham) story. I just want to point out the beginning.

1 The LORD had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.

2 “I will make you into a great nation,
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.[a]
3 I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you.”[b]

4 So Abram went, as the LORD had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Harran. 5 He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Harran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.

Catch that? In verse 1 God calls Abram to leave his country and his people to the land God will show him. Say what? God makes a promise next, but no where in this promise does it say where He is leading Abram and his family. He simply tells him to pack and go with just a promise to hold onto. No five year plan and no direction of where to go. God simply says go. Abram, being the man he is, does just that. He packs up all he has, his family and possessions, and starts to go with no sense of where it is that he is going. Verse 4 says "he went as the Lord had told him". That's all. He went as the Lord had told him. It's as simple as that.

I want it to be that simple in my life. Thankfully, it can be. It is that easy when I focus on God and where he has me. So I will lead as shows me, with the promise that He never leaves nor forsakes me. I'm on the edge of my seat, waiting with great anticipation to see what my Lord will lay before me next.

Memories

Do you ever have memories that haunt you? Maybe haunt isn't the right word, maybe it is. I've been reflecting on some memories lately. They're good memories, the ones that are changing me more into the person that God calls me to be. But these memories aren't just memories. No, they are so much more. Theses specific ones are experiences that are changing the way I think, changing the way I desire to live, and that constantly tug on my heart. The memories are from images I saw this past summer in Gabon, Africa. I have memories that I playback like videos I can rewind and watch again until my heart is content.

There are so many, and I have mental pictures stored of them all. One picture is of bloated bellies. It saddens my heart to think of them, especially whenever I sit down to a meal, or when someone carelessly let's the words "I'm starving" run out of their mouth. It takes all I have to not go off on them and remind them they have no idea what that even means. When I see this memory I become much more thankful for the food that fills my stomach that is so easily taken for granted. I want to do so much more than be thankful, so I pray for more situations and opportunities to feed the hungry.

Another image is of a man walking around the center of town with nothing but a shirt on. This one haunts me. It haunts me because we looked into each others eyes. He needed clothes, and I didn't clothe him. I beat myself up about it all the time. It was clear what Jesus would have done in that situation, simply clothe the man. I can't tell you why I didn't. I might have wanted to avoid the awkwardness of the situation, of having all eyes on me as I approached him, of trying to explain in French what I was doing, or maybe it was because I made excuses of how my clothes wouldn't fit him, or I didn't have anything to give. But those are all false. I know that I had a pair of extra sports shorts, and they surely would have fit him as he was much skinner than I. I'll never forget what that man looks like. I couldn't if I tried. As I didn't clothe him, my prayer has been that someone will be different than I an step out to do it, and that God will continue to provide me with opportunities to clothe the naked.

The previous memories aren't so happy. But I have lots of happy ones that always run through my mind. One of them is the day that the other interns and I were at the Hope House Orphanage singing, dancing, and making fools of ourselves with the children. It was such a joyous time. The songs and smiles are engraved in my memory, and tears fill my eyes as I can see them dancing before me, trying to make up the words in English and mumble the tune along with us. We were cramped on the porch with ten interns and twenty some kids, a guitar, and an ice cooler as a drum. It was beautiful. It would be silly for me not to let these moments change me. So when I begin to think of them, I am thankful for where I am and what God is doing in my life, being mindful that I can't go back to the person I was before these memories, nor do I want to.